Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Thinking of You

I have felt so lost
I have felt so stagnate
I have a felt a part of me, on hold with purpose
as we physically drifted away

I feel so lost
I feel so stagnate
The worst it has ever been
as he fades away

I feel so numb
I feel time passing as a blur
Journey's destination slowly painfully disappearing
Walking my path I involuntarily come to a stop





Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Battle of Introvert misconceptions: Shyness and Leadership


There are many misconceptions about introverts, many of which drive me crazy. The first one right off the top of my head is shyness. Well, I'm sure there are shy introverts out there, however I do not believe that is the majority and certainly not me.

"Shyness (also called diffidence) is the feeling of apprehension, lack of comfort, or awkwardness especially when a person is in proximity to other people. This commonly occurs in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness can be a characteristic of people who have low self-esteem. Stronger forms of shyness are usually referred to as social anxiety or social phobia."-Wikipedia

I'm reaallly not shy, I actually enjoy meeting and socializing with new people, which is why I personally tend to gravitate to "serving" type jobs. Now there have been points in my life where my self-esteem was depleted and I became shy because I was not confident in my ability to strike up a descent conversation with strangers and keep it going. Yes, this introvert was shy then.
However, I have done Theater, I was a cheerleader in high school and work at a job where every minute Im doing face to face customer service. Hmmm I'm just not seeing shyness here...


Another assumption people just love to make is that an introvert could not possibly make great public speakers or be in a leadership position. Well, sorry everyone, this introvert can.
A couple of years ago I received that dreaded notice in the mail for "jury duty", however it has never been something for me to dread. (Except when my children were iddy biddys) I was excited and could NOT wait to go! I sat in a big meeting room with at least 100 other people and watched eagerly as they were called in by the chunk. When my group was finally called in and saw the seats for the jury I though to myself "Yes one of those are mine", I kept that thought in my head the whole time and it paid off because I was one of 11 jurors. Woot!
In this group everyone was at the very least 10 years older than I was; I was about 28. I held nothing back and made sure I spoke up constantly, after all, there was a victim depending on us. I dont remember how much time into it but eventually we were told we needed to pick a head juror to take charge in the juror room to keep things flowing. I certainly, not at all whatsoever even thought about myself for this position, however the other jurors saw differently and picked me. I assumed one of the older gentlemen would volunteer, nope...I did and do still consider the possibility that these older folks were looking at this seemingly naive, young lady and thought collectively without speaking "yes lets pawn this duty off on her so we don't have to fiddle with it". Basically I had to keep the details organized per the criteria of what is required by a juror in this particular case. If during the time of deliberation we are getting off task then I had to bring everyone back on task, if someone was confused by a particular details then I lead the discussion in breaking up that detail so that it could be better understood. I think the one thing that shocked me at the time and still slightly does even now was how I was able to take command and be listened to by people who were 10 to 25 years older than myself.
After the trial was done, I had several of the jurors approach me with business cards and business opportunities. So, in my opinion, in my case, I believe that this little nifty life experience of mine proves that an introvert has potential to be a good leader.









1. Why are you so quiet? Oh yeah? Well why are you always rolling around yapping your pie hole and acting like gorilla all the time. Getting asked why introverts are “so quiet” is really annoying, but it just underscores how much value people place on talking and filling up the air with meaningless sound.

2. You must not but that smart — I mean, you never say anything in class. Introverts are quiet because we don’t find value in idle conversation, talking for the sake of talking. We may not raise our hands right away, but it doesn’t mean we’re not processing ideas in our own way. We have lots to say about stuff because we are always thinking.

3. You need to get out more. Extroverts think that introversion is something that can be fixed by simply throwing yourself out there, like maybe if you had three more Appletini’s than everybody else you’ll be cured once and for all. But going out more isn’t always the answer, especially when you can enjoy a nice quiet evening at home with your books or video games or Netflix or porn or whatever it is you like to enjoy.

4. Don’t worry about her/him. She/he’s just really shy. But being shy and being an introvert aren’t the same thing. Some introverts love going out and being social, but then we need some time to ourselves to regroup and to “come down” from the experience, so to speak. Getting out more isn’t the answer. You just need to accept the fact that sometimes we feel like being out and sometimes we don’t. No explanation needed.

5. SPEAK UP. No, you lean in and listen carefully to what we are saying.
6. Are you OK? Because introverts are often quiet and drawn into our own thoughts, extroverts think that we are always mad or upset or sad about something. But we are FINE!

7. Why do you hate people so much?

8. Do you have any friends? You’re always alone.

9. Are you mad at me? This one is slippery, because people do deal with being mad at someone in a variety of ways, including not talking to them. But in general, we’re not mad or upset, unless you’re feeling guilty because you know you did something wrong.

10. You’re going home already? We just got here!

11. You are so boring. Look, people enjoy different kinds of stimulation. If you want to be friends with or date someone who you think is “boring” because their lifestyle doesn’t match yours, then you should probably try harder to understand them or compromise with them at the very least. That or find somebody who matches your constantly riveting rhythm. TC mark

Monday, September 23, 2013

Oh The Silly Things I Say.....Love is a Choice??




OOOOOOH I've had this statement "Love is a Choice" tumblin' around in my head for quite quite QUITE some time....Years.

I have been chewing on this thought since I read this book called "Love is a choice"; I dont remember toooo many details about it other than it was about dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships.

This book planted a seed in my brain.... Is Love a choice??

We alll know the fairy tales of "love at first sight", happily ever after.... Alll heart, Alll emotions.....Love at first sight means to me "no choice".... Yes, ok I can see that as I have experienced Love....

But I can not wholeheartedly agree with it. Its like someone tapping me on the shoulder constantly, consistently without fail, without skipping a damn beat and saying to me:

"That's not all, There's more to it, Keep thinking"

Ok so fine I started looking at "Love" and "Love is a choice" from my nerd/vulcan side of my brain cells. Hello Spock Hello Tuvock! Logically, No Heart, All Brains.... YES, OK I can see how that could work also.

However, again I just can't totally agree with it. And so tonight once again, despite how tired I am I'm pondering "Love is a choice" and then had the urge to write about it.

As of right now Ive come to this "Until further notice" conclusion.


Love IS a Choice, AND Love is NOT choice.

The part that is "NOT" a choice is the "love at first sight". I'm going to dare to say that when you meet someone you instantly know in your cells and soul that you Love this person. Its not something you can explain, its just there. It's what makes you smile constantly every time your "love interests" name is mentioned. ;) (sigh) oh Amor, so Sweet!

The part that IS a Choice is when you make the decision to keep that "love seed" planted and you make the choice to "keep watering it". It's also a choice to kill the "love plant", however in different situations, you may not have a choice but to kill the "love plant" because of various external reasons..

Basically what I see in my brain is this....

"The heart" does the initial "not a choice" option For you, Then the brain follows up and works With the heart to keep the love going. :)




XOXOXOXOXOXO

Monday, September 2, 2013

Oh the silly things I say....... Life Balance Recovery Analogy

Finding a Balance is like "tight rope" walking..... Takes A TON of practice, over and over and over again, every day minute of every day..But ;)once you have it, its easy.....
You may still wiggle a bit while on the tight rope walk of life, we all do, but once you "have it", the recovery back to center balance is easier.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Oh the silly things I say...... Introversion



I have the ability to walk into a crowded room full of people and be super social without a problem. I wont have any fear about what so ever. However, there are times where Im just not in the damn mood. I struggled with this for a long time because I LOVE People. All of them, and the uniqueness that comes with it. Throughout my life so far I noticed a vast majority of people can seem to always always go go go go on the social/work scene. I was jealous and fricken amazed. I went nutso trying to figure out why in the hell I couldnt "hang" with the rest of them. Even growing up, as a child when you're supposed to have a ton of energy to go go go all day playing, I couldnt... I remember constantly all day long every 2 hours coming inside to zone out to my nintendo. In high school after the Football games ( I was a cheerleader ) while everyone was pumped up and so ready to hit the town and par-tay, I was ready to eat some dinner and go to bed. I made it as far as Denny's those nights and couldnt wait to go home. As an adult my friends called me the "Old Lady" because during group parties, while my Ex the Extrovert was ready to go allllll fricken night long, I was ready to go to bed half way through the night. Truly a bummer, I hated it.

Now, I have a job again (server at a great restaurant), three children and two dogs; the best part is I'm not dropping dead tired. woot woot! I started to research about Introverts and the first difference I read about was how Introverts recharge their energy verses Extroverts recharging. Eureka! It totally clicked in me, this was the reason why I was labeled the old lady and why I needed my zone out nintendo time and or Nickelodeon time and head in head phone in my teen age years, I'm literally being drained every moment I am out there being social. This had actually filled A LOT of "whys" in my life. I was seriously thinking I was damaged/broken or had some severe mental illness. LOL

Knowing this has made my days a little easier. Even how I get ready for work is different. I'm completely allowed to take all the fricken time I need to get ready. I never realized how much I used the time I "get ready to go out" as a "recharge tool". I throw my head in head phones, play whatever the hell I want, think about anything deep or shallow, by the time I get to work "My tank" is full and I'm so ready to go. This has affected my tips in a GREAT way. Now that I'm charged up going into work I can think clearly and have a goal in mind to chit chat in a modest innocent flirt like fashion to all my customers. Tips now compared to about 10 years ago are vastly different, I was grumpy at work back then and I barely made anything. I complained constantly and I know I had a "sour face" going to my tables. But, now, I feel refreshed.


YEA BABY!


"Be anxious for nothing"

Novemeber 2016, right around my birthday I found out that I qualified for my first car loan. The cutest little Honda Civic. I LOVE my little...