" Oh the Silly things I say " LOVE

Love is being absolutely at ease and comfortable to show someone your real you with all the negative traits, immature child side, the reeeal bitchy side, the "DUH DOH!!" side, as well as the positive and be equally at ease accepting all of your partner's  "sides" unconditionally with Grace, Love, Compassion and to be happy wholeheartedly to do so.....

By......MOI, little ol MOI

good grief, for reals, I'm a block head

hahahaha!
OK so seriously this whole self discovery,  learning life, changing my ways and perceptions is alot harder than I anticipated. When I think Ive turned a corner and have something accomplished, I find out that I turned a corner to an exact replica of the corner I was previously on. So, I am told that I am my own obstacle. Oye, thats awesome. It feels like writers block when it comes to life in general. Have I been so burdened to over stimulation, fighting and being repressed that that part of my brain is now burnt out and dead. How is it that I have such a hard time thinking and making decisions? How is it that I have a hard time changing my perceptions and how I do things?
AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG

my true purpose in life.......(smack!) take one

to find ones own purpose in life is very difficult. With my literal brain I search. I looked through books, I look through the internet. I look at lyrics in music, I look and look and look.
Learning that it is something that can't be found under a table, in a book, behind a tree, through conversation, but can only be found if I look inside myself. What am I all about?
Where in my mind body and soul can I find this answer. Does my brain have it, my heart, my soul, or a perfect combination of all three.
I sit here freeing my mind and letting my fingers do the walking and talking. Looking back constantly at what I write to find something new.
My purpose in life, to fill someones heart with joy and love to the point where they are laughing in tears and can then go on another day in this negative world. To help someone see the positive in every point of a situation regardless its the situation is good or bad. To do this unselfishly and unconditionally. To turn a frown upside down to those who need and want it.

With my coping mechanism for self preservation being in play for so long, I have a hard time finding my own life's purpose. The wicked thoughts in my head that only bring me down into thinking life has no true meaning, that I have no purpose in this world (nor the next for that matter), hinders me from seeing my inner light that shines like a beacon to my souls purpose here.
I can not rely on books, movies, documentaries nor reality shows to show me the way to my own purpose because they are only showing me someone else's vision and life's purpose. I can't copy them because I am not them.  Only in a rare occasion does one of those give me a glimpse into my life's purpose, or gives me an epiphany of some sort, but only then its on a small tiny scale and I see it only because my mind, body and soul recognizes it; then gives me a glimpse in a attempt to reach me, April. My mind body and soul have been trying to reach me for some time, but I shut them out only using my mind barely to get me through life at a minimal scale. My mind, body and soul have been forcefully disconnected from me for some time now. I'm sorry old friends, please come in and show me the way. I'm ready to see now, I want to see the light, I want to see April's light. It has been missing and nearly blocked for what seems an eternity. It's never too late, I refuse to believe it if someone tries to tell me that. Misery loves company, so if someone tries to tell me its too late, its only because they believed that lie and wants someone else to believe too. I'm not going to, why can't I be happy. What in the world did I do so wrong to possibly deserve this?? Nothing, I have my faults, lordy knows I do, but so faulty that I dont deserve happiness? or peace, serenity, love, acceptance...